The "Never Fail to Help Me" Book

This is one book which I will read again and again :

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk.

I use this book for the different stages of my boys' growing up. Ever been in a situation where the more you ask the child to stop crying, the louder he will cry? Like he wants Banana Crunch Cereal for breakfast and all you have is Cheerios? "We don't have anymore Banana Crunch Cereal. Have some Cheerios instead." ... "NO! I want Banana Crunch!" ... "But we don't have any." ... CRY ... The harder we explain, the harder they protest by crying. Useful tips in the book like "Give the feeling a name", "Give a child his wishes in Fantasy" help me in dealing with such tricky situations. Letting the child knows that we feel his frustration, we understand how badly he wants something make it easier for him to accept reality.

Now that the boys are older, leaving behind their terrible twos, and moving into assertive independence, I am re-reading the book again. And I am still in Chapter 2 : Engaging Cooperation.

My boys are used to going to bed by 8am, and as a result, they will wake up before 730am the next morning. Lovely timing for school term. Bad for the weekends and school vacation! It is so difficult to get them to cooperate by keeping their voices down in the morning, just so the parents can nap for another half an hour. Or they will be arguing at the top of their voices, over who the lego bricks belong to.

One Sunday morning a couple of weeks ago, and after many failed attempts in talking to them, requesting that they play quietly on their own and not raise their voices while playing, I decided to try one of the methods stated in the book : Write a note.

I put the note on our bedroom door, low enough for the boys to see it should they come knocking on our door in the morning. The boys woke up the next morning, saw the note, and I heard them whispered to each other : Shhh .... Then they proceed to brush their teeth (very quietly), and to play on their own/together (quietly without any arguement). WOW! I was very pleased indeed. We managed to nap for another 45 minutes!

The little boy, since starting school this Fall, is learning to write. Last Sunday, we woke up to find a note stuck on each of the bedroom doors.

The note on our door read : Mama and Papa is still sleeping. You need to go brush your teeth by yourself ... Picture of a "NO Entry" with a person on it. When I saw the note, I read the part which I could understand, out loud. He grinned broadly when I asked if he wrote the note all by himself.

The second note on the boys' bedroom door read : And don't disturb my brother. Brush your teeth by yourself and play your Lego as quietly as a mouse. Picture of a "NO Entry" with his brother sleeping on the bed. His brother had gone back to lie on the bed after using the bathroom in the morning. Only the little one was up that morning. So he used his time to write the notes, before brushing his teeth.

How creative kids can be! Combining his knowledge on the "NO Entry" sign with "NO Entering because .... " in picture form. It really warmed my heart, seeing the two notes on a cold Sunday morning, and amazed at how fast and how much the little one learns ...

Little Bundles of Joy

Two of my friends are having their third baby ... the first one with two daughters, recently gave birth to a son. Another friend A, with two boys (just like me), is pregnant with a little princess due next year. I am really happy for them! And how I envy them! For me, I would love to have another. However, without the physical and emotional support, I do not have the confidence of going through, yet another draining cycle of an emotional roller coaster ride.

Babies are a joy. Even though my two boys are both in school now, remembering them as a baby always bring on a smile. Of course, there's the ups, the joy of being a stay-at-home mom. The joy of seeing the little one learning to flip to his side at three months, his first tooth emerging at the fourth, sitting on his own at the sixth, cruising at the nineth, and walking on his own at 12th! You are there to witness the many 'firsts' =) But there's the downs too. Being a stay-at-home mom with no help at all is very taxing for me. Night feeds, baby's constant crying, not to be mention having to carry both boys when both of them decide to throw a tantrum and whine at the same time. Being stuck at home all the time (yes, weekends inclusive) brings no joy, especially when the 'patience' bucket is empty.

Having a daughter would be great! Yes, I would love to have one. Especially when the boys and the man drive me mad sometimes. Men in general, are a species of 'not so sensitive' creatures. They do not notice when you are feeling down, not unless you tell them very clearly in details what is bothering you. They do not know how to comfort you, and they do not know what to say. My little one sometimes will come over and give me a hug when I tell him "Mama is feeling sad". But how long more will I get these hugs? The older one is already refusing hugs outside. Only bedtime kisses are allowed now, and he is only 6+? The younger one since going to school, just wave goodbyes. I am also careful not to hug them outside, since they may feel uncomfortable.

A friend once said to me "I have not seen you in pink". Firstly, pink is my least favorite colour. Secondly, I will stick out like a sore thumb walking besides two boys and their dad. With two boys at home, our conversation involves helicopters, space, spiders, dinosaurs ... all the boys' stuff. Daughters are different. I remembered going shopping with my mom even though I was already in my twenties? Walking around town with my arm around hers? I do not think my boys will do the same with me when they are in their twenties. They would probably be holding their girlfriends' hands. One may argue and say that "what make you think that the daughter will do the same as you did"? She may be like their brothers, holding her boyfriend's arm instead of yours. True. But however it will turn out, I would not know, as I am not going to have a third one.

I will continue going to bed tonight, dreaming of a daughter. Meanwhile, I will continue to do my very best, being a patient and loving mom to my two boys ... till they find their other half to take care of them.

Going Uphill or Down?

Today, my mood is as gloomy as the sky outside ...

I sometimes wonder how some SAHMs can manage their housework, cook and homeschool their kids, and still spend quality time with them.

I am no super-mom. There is so much to do, endless work, that I don't even have time to myself till the kids are in bed at night. On good days, I can laugh at their mischief to make myself happier. I can be in control of my frustrations and anger. On bad days, I just feel like quitting.

I thought the days of sleepless nights would be over once the kids are older. That is not the case. Even now, they will wake up in the middle of the night occasionally to go to the toilet, or whine for their blanket. After a couple of nights being disturbed by the kids, I will be "trained" to wake up every other hour at night. This is so even though the kids are not disturbing me. Each morning, I will be awake by 530am. Don't ask me why so, as I do not know either. There are days when I wake up in the morning and don't feel like doing anything at all. Is it possible? No. There's packing of lunch boxes to be done, preparation of breakfast, waking the kids (and hubby) up, and getting the kids ready for school. All to be done in an hour or so. I find that after the morning rush, and after walking the kids to school, I just don't feel like eating breakfast or lunch. Sometimes, I skip dinner. My mom used to tell me : After cooking the meals, I just don't feel hungry anymore!

Now I understood what she meant.

Then there's the home-schooling part. The teaching method in Math in the States is different from that in Singapore. Teaching concept is good, but practice is important too. Sometimes, my elder boy would forget what he had learnt in school, and couldn't do the exercises I gave him at home. But after going through the concept, he would recall and while doing the exercises, made a couple of careless mistakes. At the rate at which he is learning and doing his exercises, I think there is a chance he may fail the tests when back in Singapore .... so slow and careless. Teaching him is not easy either. Somehow children think that ... if you are not his teacher, you should not teach him. I am no "kiasu" parent. I would try to do some work with them on weekends, for an hour or so. It could be Chinese, or explaining Math problems which he couldn't understand in school. Or try to follow the Singapore Math Curriculum, so that he doesn't lag too much in work when we go back to Singapore. But I find it really draining and trying to get work done with the kids. I would face much protest from them, or I would be too tired or rushed (cooking etc) to really want to sit down with them. I would just let the weekend go by without any work done. Sometimes for two or three weeks. Nothing done. Maybe I am not a good teacher. Maybe I am not a patient teacher. I used to take pride in being able to get my naughty students to attend extra lessons willingly, but now, I am having a tough time getting my own kids to do some (minimal) work.

It's an uphill task, or am I am going downhill?

Reflections

Have you ever been so caught up with "work" that you "deviate" from the goal you have in mind? Well, I do ... recently, I get so caught up with housework, preparing meals and worrying about the kids' schoolwork, that I forget my aim for wanting to be a SAHM ....

My mom was a working mom, I had fond memories of time spent with her on her off days. I remembered I would run all the way home from the lift, and happy to see the door opened, and her in the kitchen cooking. I remembered dragging my feet home from school when her leave was over. It was no fun going back to an empty house. I was a "Latchkey Kid". I would warm up my dinner, do my homework, and study for tests/exams. Mom and Dad would be home after my dinner, just before my bedtime. Well, that situation kind of instilled some self discipline in me, but deep inside, I had always wished that she could be home to spend more time with me, even if it meant scolding me for not doing my homework.

I guess by becoming a SAHM, I am fullfilling my childhood wish of wanting mom to stay home. It has been six years since I become a SAHM.

It was an amazing journey so far; a journey filled with joy, frustrations, and tears. Seeing my boys' first smile, first step, hearing his first words ... it was all so fulfilling. Dealing with my boys' tantrums and whining ... it was draining and tiring.

My two boys have a age difference of 1 1/2 years.

When they were younger, they both required my attention constantly. Like when I carried the younger one, then one plus, the older one would want to be carried too. Cooking and cleaning the house were almost near impossible, as most of my time was spend looking after them.

Now that they are older, they are able to find things to occupy themselves.

I realised I am able to do more, in terms of cleaning the house, and cooking. As a result, I sometimes get so caught up with housework, that I forget to spend some quality time with them. I also realised, after reading a friend's blog, that I should adopt a more "unhurried" attitude. I am also reminded of why I want to be SAHM. Thanks, PY, for sending me your blog address.

So for the new year, I will remind myself to ...

• Be more patient with the kids.
  
• Be more "unhurried" = leading to more patience.
  
• Be more "detached" of my own emotions when handling their emotions.
• Be more generous when spending time with my boys : to say more OKs to my boys when they invite me to play with them .. the number of times I join them is far less than the number of times I say "not free now".

And to give the boys ...

more hugs, more smiles, more compliments!

.... a time to reflect, a time to pick up from where I stopped ....