Sunday, October 4, 2009

Little Bundles of Joy

Two of my friends are having their third baby ... the first one with two daughters, recently gave birth to a son. Another friend A, with two boys (just like me), is pregnant with a little princess due next year. I am really happy for them! And how I envy them! For me, I would love to have another. However, without the physical and emotional support, I do not have the confidence of going through, yet another draining cycle of an emotional roller coaster ride.

Babies are a joy. Even though my two boys are both in school now, remembering them as a baby always bring on a smile. Of course, there's the ups, the joy of being a stay-at-home mom. The joy of seeing the little one learning to flip to his side at three months, his first tooth emerging at the fourth, sitting on his own at the sixth, cruising at the nineth, and walking on his own at 12th! You are there to witness the many 'firsts' =) But there's the downs too. Being a stay-at-home mom with no help at all is very taxing for me. Night feeds, baby's constant crying, not to be mention having to carry both boys when both of them decide to throw a tantrum and whine at the same time. Being stuck at home all the time (yes, weekends inclusive) brings no joy, especially when the 'patience' bucket is empty.

Having a daughter would be great! Yes, I would love to have one. Especially when the boys and the man drive me mad sometimes. Men in general, are a species of 'not so sensitive' creatures. They do not notice when you are feeling down, not unless you tell them very clearly in details what is bothering you. They do not know how to comfort you, and they do not know what to say. My little one sometimes will come over and give me a hug when I tell him "Mama is feeling sad". But how long more will I get these hugs? The older one is already refusing hugs outside. Only bedtime kisses are allowed now, and he is only 6+? The younger one since going to school, just wave goodbyes. I am also careful not to hug them outside, since they may feel uncomfortable.

A friend once said to me "I have not seen you in pink". Firstly, pink is my least favorite colour. Secondly, I will stick out like a sore thumb walking besides two boys and their dad. With two boys at home, our conversation involves helicopters, space, spiders, dinosaurs ... all the boys' stuff. Daughters are different. I remembered going shopping with my mom even though I was already in my twenties? Walking around town with my arm around hers? I do not think my boys will do the same with me when they are in their twenties. They would probably be holding their girlfriends' hands. One may argue and say that "what make you think that the daughter will do the same as you did"? She may be like their brothers, holding her boyfriend's arm instead of yours. True. But however it will turn out, I would not know, as I am not going to have a third one.

I will continue going to bed tonight, dreaming of a daughter. Meanwhile, I will continue to do my very best, being a patient and loving mom to my two boys ... till they find their other half to take care of them.

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